Plus Size Singles Need Love Too
I have recently come to the conclusion that I’m going to have to lose a significant amount of plus size singles weight in order to have a viable chance at a love life.
Let me be clear: this is not a fat-hating post. When I look in the mirror, for the most part, I like what I see. I like my curves, I like ass, I like my legs, I like my boobs (which I button the fact remains that I’m a short, dark-skinned, curvy Black girl, with a natural. I’m all those things in a culture that not only hates fat, and finds it repulsive, but also in a culture where curvy women can only find roles in movies as maids.
Even so, one could argue that these mainstream films reflect the desires of white America, or more to the point, white big handsome men, and not Black men, which up to this point is the only group of men I’ve dated.
But with brothers I find, that they, too, have internalized a particular relationship to the body-type most associated with the mammy figure. They see girls like me as sisters, as home girls, but not as love options, because they don’t find big girls sexy. They usually find us comforting. Strong. Stable. Huge difference.
I know there is this myth in Black America that brothers like their sisters thick, thick like a luscious milkshake, that “brings all the boys to the yard,” as it were. But what I call thick and what the average brother calls thick is not the same thing. I’m (pre-weight-loss) Mo’Nique thick. (Sister looks fabulous, by the way.) Not quite Gabourey Sidibe thick. But thick nontheless. And when I was doing the curvy dating thing (I’ve tried it twice, and I’m taking a break) I saw one brother that specifically said, “I’m not into the Mo’Nique thing, ladies.” Translation: No curvy girls need apply.
Acknowledging these larger structural issues around the commodification of male desire and the way it affects our curvy dating options and choices as women is difficult, because it can make us feel powerless and/or less-than-feminist. So posts like this make folks uncomfortable, often leading to three kinds of reactionary (and unhelpful) comments. The first will be from those folks who insist that I must really have low self-esteem about my weight and that it must be coming through to the dudes I’m meeting. Um, that would be a Negative. That ain’t it. Even though we all have insecurities, self-confidence is not my major struggle. The only way to live in my body, doing the work I do, is to be confident.
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